Setting Things Straight

Some reactions to my last post (“Wrapping Up”) say it sounds a bit too final. “Are you planning Murder/Suicide?” goes the general tone. No, I’m not. I am planning on a life for Barbara and me that is relatively care-free. Currently, each day seems as if I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. This needs to stop. Barbara is happy in her Alzheimer’s. I want to be happy in my caregiving.

I think whether or not one lives a happy life can be measured by one’s state of mind when he wakes up in the morning. Most days I wake up with thoughts of dread. If there are meetings with doctors, consultants or attorneys, I dread every one of them. Moreover, the details of life seem at loose ends. These loose ends need to be tied up into a bow. Open-ended questions need to be answered with finality or, “wrapped up”.

I will not always have the energy for this “wrapping up” process. I barely have it now. I concentrate on doing things one step at a time. This seems the only way it can be done.

I probably need to conclude some items by making the decision to leave them undone. This is one way of wrapping up this item. In the words of my last post, I have less energy each day. It’s time to wrap it all up. It’s time to tie up loose ends. –LG


Wrapping Up

It’s time to wrap things up.

Whenever the temperature drops in the house and you’re sitting on the sofa watching TV, you become chilly and are soon wrapping yourself up in a blanket. It feels good. Whenever a public speaker begins to near the end of his speech, he begins wrapping things up in order to finish. At the end of a trial, we find the attorney wrapping up the case. This is the closing argument. It’s over.

As I age, I find that more and more of my daily energy is spent wrapping things up. The less money I have, the more the temperature of life drops and I need to wrap myself up in a blanket of withdrawal. During this wrapping up process, I decrease contact with the outside world and limit my activities more and more. I’m wrapping things up.

I have already wrapped up many things with my attorney: the will is done, the DNR instructions have been signed, the powers of attorney have been designated. The meeting with the funeral home looms. But I will get around to that. I am in the middle of seeking custodial care for Barbara, as Alzheimer’s Disease continues to take over her brain. Money plays such a huge role in this process. The facility I want seems simply too expensive. If I had to make the decision today, I would choose to wrap us up in the confines of our home and ride it out to the end. I’ll know for sure next week, for that’s my deadline to make the decision. What changes between now and then? I meet with an attorney specializing in Elder Care and hopefully she can discover avenues which truly are open to me. If the avenues aren’t there, I will wrap up the search and wrap up any lingering final details. I have less energy each day. It’s time to wrap it all up. –LG